Saturday, December 13, 2008
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
cat haikus
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
elevator butt.
The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
In deep sleep hear sound
cat vomit hairball somewhere
will find in morning.
Grace personified.
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.
Blur of motion, then --
silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?
The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds --
your foot just squashed one.
You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore my
sitting on your hands.
My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
can just hide my head.
Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a 'term paper?'
Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes,
Fear vacuum cleaner
I want to be close
to you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?
Wanna go outside.
Oh, poop! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!
Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams;
My claws are not that sharp.
thanks christine!
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
elevator butt.
The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
In deep sleep hear sound
cat vomit hairball somewhere
will find in morning.
Grace personified.
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.
Blur of motion, then --
silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?
The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds --
your foot just squashed one.
You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore my
sitting on your hands.
My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
can just hide my head.
Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a 'term paper?'
Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes,
Fear vacuum cleaner
I want to be close
to you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?
Wanna go outside.
Oh, poop! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!
Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams;
My claws are not that sharp.
thanks christine!
Friday, April 4, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
cat humor from lick n riz
How To Give A Cat A Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as ifholding a baby.Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth andgently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As catopens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat inleft arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear pawstightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth withright forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Callspouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rearpaws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly withone hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler andrubcat's thoat vigorously
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shatteredfigurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head justvisible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouthopen with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to taketaste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpetwith cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, leave head showing. Forcemouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11 . Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress tocheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskeycompress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt awayand fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the ---- cats front paws to rear paws with garden twineand bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves fromshed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be roughabout it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to washpill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergencyroom, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers an d forearm and removespill remnants from right eye.. Call furniture shop on way home to order newtable.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shopto see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as ifholding a baby.Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth andgently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As catopens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat inleft arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear pawstightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth withright forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Callspouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rearpaws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly withone hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler andrubcat's thoat vigorously
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shatteredfigurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head justvisible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouthopen with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to taketaste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpetwith cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, leave head showing. Forcemouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11 . Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress tocheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskeycompress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt awayand fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the ---- cats front paws to rear paws with garden twineand bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves fromshed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be roughabout it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to washpill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergencyroom, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers an d forearm and removespill remnants from right eye.. Call furniture shop on way home to order newtable.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shopto see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Thursday, January 3, 2008
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